my head is a fucking mess.

i miss them. both of them. its always been hard for me to pick which one. i dont know why.. now i have neither of them. i mean i dont see them both every day anymore; its normal to grow apart… but i feel like we didnt grow apart. i know we didnt. my actions tore me from both of them. i made them both realize that i really am not as great as they thought. and that sucks. i hope one day someone will disagree with that statement and stick to it.
someday. maybe.
but i never really had one of them. i did, but i didnt want him when he wanted me. except once, when i tested him to see if hed fight for me. which he didnt. never will i do what brooke davis does because in reality, there is no boy like lucas scott. although it played out kind of similar, when chad found out i just tested him like 3 years later he said “how was i supposed to know?” which was when brooke would say “you just are.” but why would he? i led him on before that. so i just appologized. and told him i was seeing someone else after that intense heart wrenching conversation. because i really liked sean. everything with chad was so complicated. sean was simple. he liked me. i liked him. he made me happy. but i was in love with chad. and once i tomd chad i lost my virginity to sean he seemed kind of weird. but chad was my bestfriend. i couldnt let him hear it from one of his friends. i thought he was going to be done with me, and i blew off sean so much that i drove him away, but that was ok with me because i only wanted chad. and i thought he wanted me too.. he kept talking about how he couldnt wait for ashley to go off to college and be apart from her and break up with her which i know i shouldnt have fallen for. but he kept wanting to spend more and more time with me, we hung out more than wr ever have and talked a lot more than we did in a long time, like back to when we first met and kind of fell for eachother. i mean the last time we hung out we just sat in his car infront of my house. because we couldnt find anything to do, but he said he needed to hang out becausr he wanted to see me and hang out with me. and i know he meant it… but i dont know why that was the last time. a week later ashley dropped out of college for him and got shunned by her parents and was forced to live with him… i mean i had to text him aafter i month saying “hey are you alive?” because he just stopped talking to me. and then she answered. “who is this” because she deleted me from his phone. or made him do it. i dont know. and when he texted me back later appologizing because he never told me. idk that was a fucked up night. and id be just fine without him if i could stop having dreams about him… last time i stopped thinking about him i strted having random dreams with him, made me start thinking about him then BAM i see him and ashley christmas shopping and had the biggest panic attack of my life. i finally stopped thinking about him ad now he and sean are both in my dreams the past few nights..
well i guess i atarted this rant to talk about hiw i dont know which one i really want, sean or chad. but seeing as i ended up mostly just talking about chad, i guess its him. everything always goes back to him.